🔗 Share this article Saying Sorry Too Much: Strategies to End the Habit Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety. Presenting and Asking Questions This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits. Self-Acceptance I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice. Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others. Understanding the Roots A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life. In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it. Benefits of Counseling When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are. Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there. Practical Steps Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness. Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability. This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.